YOU ARE ALLOWED TO EXPERIENCE TRUE LOVE.

Hey I hope you all are doing well😊 , 

Well, today we’re going to have some real talk. 

I’m going to share my story on how I found myself dealing with this behaviour of chasing things or relationships that would cause me to experience rejection. Also to share with you all what helped me understand where this behavior came from and how I finally got over it, and hopefully it inspires someone else.

And this topic is for all my people who are tired of running from confronting what’s happening inside, and want to start facing the messy part of their life because you know that the more you keep running, the bigger and more powerful it gets.

I’m so happy that now I can talk about it even though It took me a while to see that unconsciously I had developed this behaviour. 

It all started when I finally made the decision that “Now I’m ready to accept being truly loved” first by God and then to be truly loved by myself. What happened in the past didn't have to control my present and my future anymore.

But wait, I have to be honest with all of you, the healing process or to start confronting that behaviour wasn't sexy at all😅😂...because I had to go back in my most painful memories😭 but I can say it now that it was worthy.

               “ Name your Storm ”

Trying to connect this behaviour to the part of me that was broken helped me so much to see what was going on. I do believe certain unhealthy behaviours are sometimes just an expression of unfinished business going on inside.....

Encountering some rejections when i was too young was the first consequence of this pattern. Somehow I let it define me and believed it was normal where I could even allow it to happen again because that's kind of what I knew.

Before I continue I feel like I want to precise this, I did also have a chance to have a great childhood and to grow up in a caring family but unfortunately it didn’t prevent me from struggling with those feelings because the emotional support was absent. I had to deal alone with the rejections of not being understood or being different from other kids and on top of that I didn’t even know how to talk about it. 

So looking back on these childhood memories and naming how I felt was so important, putting into words how I felt in all situations was the key of my healing process such as when I remembered that time me and two friends from my class decided to dance for the "kermesse event” ( the old good days sha😂😂 ninde akumbuye kuja muri kermesse nkaje?🥺😂)....We were very excited about dancing at the kermesse that we immediately started to rehearsal… 

but after that one rehearsal, they removed me from the group without any explanation😒, and me instead of confronting them I choose to ignore how I felt and acted as if nothing happened. 

I know for some of you this is not a big deal but people who’re very sensitive like me can understand how I felt because for us every little thing counts. 

And this was one of the situations I went back and putted some words of how i was feeling  when it happened and after it helped me to see where this behaviour of being people pleaser came from and why other similar situation happened where i would allow people who don’t serve me to come in my life and hoping this time it won’t end the same way. 

It can be dangerous when we choose to lie to ourselves about what's going on, it keeps us from staying in that circle and keeps us repeating the same things.

It's for our good to have the emotional vocabulary or to learn to speak emotionally because when we name our storm(feelings) , then we can know how to fight 🤺🥷 , we can know how to speak to that Storm like Jesus did

Allow yourself to feel all of them in your heart and then let them go , because emotions were never meant to stay.  Please, I’m not saying to keep holding them in your heart and to become a storehouse for that pain, Which I was doing those years...No! Instead I want you to know emotions are always passing so deal with them ,know where they come from and after let them go by praying and talking to someone that you trust.

“We can have mixed emotions ”

Another thing that was helpful in the healing process was knowing that I may have mixed emotions .

And I will need only to cultivate that emotion which serves me more than the other.

This freed me from "ohh you are not allowed to listen to your emotions" and turned into ``I'm just going to try not to listen to the emotion that is so painful'' for example maybe now I’m having an anxiety attack and fear is strong and the hope,motivation are little but they are there!! or I can be angry right now but I also have some joy in this area like when I remember how God did this and that to me.  

It’s not that I have to ignore my emotions. 

Instead I can cultivate the voice which is not strong right now and talk to that little hope and let it grow up and become strong so that it can move me from not staying stuck in the pain.

           “ Healing is a process ! ”

And yep!!! We have to repeat this again “healing is a process”  and your journey does not have to be the same as the others, for example some of us may need additional help, going to therapy, talking to your friends or family and letting them know what's going on.  

Let's normalise to be human and stop isolating ourselves with our emotions, there is nothing wrong with you and me. We are all just humans trying to figure out this thing called « Life » and how to keep moving forward walking towards our purpose. 

A gentle reminder: 

Let go of self-condemnation so that the love and light of God can come in and heal some of the things you are struggling with. 

With great Love 

Igicaniro